Clown Terrorizes Downtown Porta Potties in Jacksonville, Florida.

A Port-a-Potty on Main Street

Jacksonville authorities have received reports of a “creepy” clown stalking locals unfortunate enough to use portable toilets in the downtown area.  Victims describe the clown as a “menacing presence with a love for potty humor and a shit-eating grin.”

While no victims have accused the clown of physical harm or entering the portable units, they did attribute their constipation and fear of skin-to-surface contact to his off-color commentary.  Victims accused the clown of making plopping noises, asking personal questions, or imitating what can only be described as “birthing” sounds.  One victim claimed he can no longer close his eyes when he poops at night because he can still see the clown’s oddly congratulatory face.

Authorities are now advising downtown visitors to use the porta potties for urination purposes only.  They urge visitors to evacuate the downtown area for any category two emergencies.  Authorities fear many locals will ignore the evacuation orders and attempt to ride out any bowel movements that may occur.  Some local businesses are opening their stall doors longer in an attempt to keep customers in the area.

The suspect remains at large and authorities continue to ask residents and tourists alike to take precautions before heading downtown.